Use Me

Have you ever felt so alone—at one of the worst times—in the worst way?

Los Angeles is burning down, and all my kids… well, today I feel like I have no one. That may sound selfish, but that’s how I feel. It feels like I’m dead inside—tired of the hurt and the pain. What’s next for me? Death? That means I already feel counted out and given up on.

I gave my energy to my kids and others my entire life. I supported every event they had. But then the pain started coming more frequently. That pain led to several chronic illnesses.

Do I believe someone loves me? I would say yes… but with stipulations.

My past has caught up with me, and I’m feeling every part of it. The word is “dependency.” I used it as a crutch. I got mad and upset at the wrong people. I had to really accept that I was losing people from my life. All the fears I had—and no one to tell the truth.

Today, I officially lost respect for how the adults around me are handling their current situations. You’re the “fun one” when you’re always rocking on everyone else’s time.

I’m trying to get my website back up, learning how to link things together. But my mind doesn’t register things the way it used to. I hate myself for the road I took. This would all be different… only if? That’s not fair to say, because God has already paved my path—and He’s done the same for them. I have to let them go. Obviously, it happens—and it will happen.

I feel like the world is in the Matrix and no one sees what’s really going on.

One of my kids isn’t working and has basically become a squatter. My son’s girlfriend told him he had to move in with her—and basically called him a punk because his sister left. That’s not a selling point, especially when the girlfriend is working on a visa… and I’ll just leave it at that.

To be candid—if I had seen this in a crystal ball as my future, I don’t know if I would’ve stayed. I can’t say anything more after these words.

I didn’t plan to write this much—to pour out my feelings or show what my life looks like from the inside.

Those who used to envy me… now pity me.

This may be a one-person pity party… or just the cry of a hurt mother.

Either way, after today, nothing will be the same again.

Blessings

(Original post used ChatGPT for professional format)